What if my husband is gay?

Dear MamaJo,

What do you do when you think your husband is gay (and he is in denial)?

Honestly, and I know this may be hard to hear, I don't see what difference it makes. Sure if you are right and you play the scenario out in you head, there are a zillion horrible things that can come from it. That is true no matter what a husband struggles with. What if my husband falls for one of the seriously sexy nurses at the hospital he works at? Or even worse, one of the matronly ones? What if my husband drives too fast and is horribly maimed in a car accident? What if, what if, what if. It all falls into the category of making trouble before there is trouble and I am squarely against it.

I started to type all sorts of things about focusing on being a good wife but it sounded way too sappy and not my style. Plus, if you know me and my struggles with marriage, I might as well tattoo hypocrite across my forehead. If you are interested in that kind of thing you can find a thousand books on the topic.

So here are the things I can say without the tattoo. 1) If you are the praying sort, I would say this is the perfect situation to put that into play. 2) I know this is sort of a counter cultural thing to suggest but I would NOT talk with him about it. I was sort of a late bloomer in the dating area and my mother asked me if I was a lesbian when I was about nineteen. I wasn't and the question hurt. As I play it out in my mind, I can't see a positive outcome from that conversation.

There is one caveat to this rambling of mine. If you suspect that your husband is secretly on the low down with other guys, you need to take action. You must protect yourself from STDs.

What about old journals?

Dear MamaJo,

I have a huge box FULL of old journals. I started journal-writing when I was 7. For MOST of my school years, I journaled almost daily. Some of those daily entries are pages and pages long. ALL my thoughts and feelings and experiences are logged in those notebooks.

I stopped journaling several years ago. I no longer felt the need. This doesn't bother me. I don't feel a loss.

I am tempted to get rid of my old journals. I know some of what I wrote in there and it was seriously embarrass me if anyone would ever read them. I am also ashamed of my attitudes in some of them.

I have considered their value in the future when my daughters might be going through stuff I went through, but at the same time, my girls are SO different from me. They are being taught differently than I was taught. They are more grounded in Scripture than I was. In many ways, they already seem far more mature than I ever was. Most of what I wrote in those journals I no longer agree with. Much of it is a bunch of hyper-emotional spew. I don't see how that could ever benefit anyone.

Is there some value in keeping them that I haven't considered?

I've thought of going through them all, reading everything, and only saving the pages that I like or feel have some significance or value. But I honestly don't think I could handle it. Digging up past feelings, failures, situations, etc. I just don't want to go through the emotion of it all.

I started to suggest trashing the whole lot, but then thought how I would feel if I found a box like that of things my mother had written. How wonderful that would be. Imagine getting to know your mother's thoughts from the time she was seven and seeing her progress into adulthood. I also totally get the feeling of embarrassment at seeing myself again at those ages.

So, here is what I would do. Go to the nearest Stuffmart and buy a Rubbermaid box. Without opening the journals, put them in order with the oldest ones on top as best you can. Put them in the back a closet. Somewhere where they will not assault you daily or weekly and the kids will never think to look. I would even write a letter to my children from time to time and tell them things that I would want them to know when I am no longer around. I would never mention the box to them.

What a blessing this will be to them when the time comes for them to sort through your stuff. It could even help them with thier grief of losing you. It can be one final act of being a terrific mom. As an added bonus, you will never have to look at those things again!